I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV