I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
meanwhile over on facebook
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now