20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.