Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
i really liked this one
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.