“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
sin harder.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.