Go girl power!
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Guy who likes music
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I know a bad idea when I see one.