Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
You Might Also Like
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
forgive me baja for i have blast
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Oops
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.