It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.