Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
first you must answer his riddles
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
✌️
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.