That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer