Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My god she’s good.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*