Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.