What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
There’s only one good girl here!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.