Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Always 🥴
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Spa day..😅
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again