If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.