Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
you will never know the true number of layers
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Cardio Made Easy
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.