*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
FINE, I WON’T.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have