I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
This kid is going places
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
you will never know the true number of layers
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.