Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.