I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now