In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Maths meets science
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
need him
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.