[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
had to make it
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”