Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking