Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
The pen is writier than the sword.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
plums roundup
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*