Message from the dog groomers
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”