I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*