Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
You Might Also Like
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong