She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Monday?
No. Next question.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am