My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Happy Star Wars day!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Golf would be better with landmines.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.