Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle