Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…