*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him