You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
#SCOTUS one-star review
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school