how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Perfect.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Ah yes. The three genders
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.