[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage