[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
FRED: right
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.