You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.