Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.