The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it