I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.