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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
This classic never gets old . . .
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”