[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Not today, today.
Not today.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”