Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
good morning
So, can we agree on 4 or
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?