*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two