How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I know this now 😂
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions