until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?