Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx