I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.