I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.