Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what